A reader writes:
I’ve got an odd situation happening with a male staff member on my team. I’m his boss and a woman. We are similar in age (I’m a couple of years older), and he has more experience in specific areas of his work than I do, and I have more expertise in other areas of his job description. When he brings ideas or suggestions to me about areas of our work where he is clearly more knowledgeable, I always respond with “great idea” or “I never would have thought of that — so glad to have your expertise in this area,” etc. However, when I make suggestions about ways he could expand or grow in the areas of his responsibilities where I have more expertise and knowledge, he will frequently respond with something akin to “I have already thought of doing that exact thing in that exact way and just didn’t tell you yet.”
He doesn’t respond this way 100% of the time. For example, if it’s an area we’re both a bit in the dark on and working to figure out something new, I don’t get the “you’re not telling me anything I hadn’t already thought of” response to suggestions. It happens mostly when I’m suggesting ways to take a project further or make it more impactful. But it’s happening often enough that I’m noticing the pattern and feeling annoyed by it.
When I get the “I already thought of that” response, I can’t help but think he’s lying. While he does have good ideas, I’ve had to have two conversations with him in the past about his productivity levels and my need for him to take complete ownership of projects (he’s in a director-level position). He tends to check boxes and just achieve the task while not, in my observation, fully engaging with his work.
When I think about why he’s responding this way to my suggestions, I imagine it’s one of two things: he’s feeling called out for not thinking through a project more fully before bringing an idea or a request to me or he’s devaluing my expertise and experience. He’s not rejecting what I’m suggesting, just making sure I know he had gotten there on his own. Maybe there’s something else going on?
I know the only way to know is to ask him, but I’m struggling with how to address it or if I even need to. Part of me thinks at least he’s taking my suggestions and implementing them. Who cares if he needs to tell me it was his idea, not mine? I’m secure in my position, have the complete trust of my boss (a man), and any undervaluing my employee may do is contained. If it’s an issue with my gender, I have other, more important things to deal with than enlightening him. But if I’m doing something to make him feel that he has to make it clear he’s on the same wavelength or there will be consequences, I’d like to stop doing that. That part of me doesn’t want to feel that I am stressing him out and causing this behavior as a coping mechanism or way he feels he needs to manage me.
If I do need to address it, how? I’ll never get him to admit he’s not thought of these things before me or at the same time (he 100% hasn’t), and I don’t even care. I just want him to feel okay with taking a suggestion and saying, “Sure, I’ll do that.”
Oh, I worked with this guy! And yes, it’s really annoying.
After all, it doesn’t really matter if he’s thought of every suggestion you make if he hasn’t acted on it or raised it himself (or isn’t ready to explain why he decided not to). And yeah, you can usually tell when someone is just saying it to prop themselves up (although ironically, it has the opposite effect of what they intend and makes them look less capable than if they hadn’t tried to claim they already had the ideas).
I do think you’re right to grapple with whether it’s something you really need to address or not. I lean toward thinking you should, because (a) if he is reacting to something about the way you’re managing him, it’s worth knowing that (unless it’s just that you’re, you know, managing him while being a woman) and (b) if you’re right that he’s BS’ing you, it ties into the larger concerns you have about his work — that he’s not approaching a director-level job with enough rigor and engagement.
So one option is to just say directly the next time he does it: “I’ve noticed when I suggest ways to take a project further or increase its impact, you tell me you’ve already thought of those ideas. I don’t care much whose idea is whose or who thought it up first, but I want to make sure I’m not doing something that makes you feel pressured to assure me you’re already there?”
Alternately: “I’ve noticed when I suggest ways to take a project further or increase its impact, you tell me you’ve already thought of those ideas. If that’s the case, great — but I’d love to see you running with those ideas on your own then before I suggest them. What do we need in place to make that happen?”
Related to that, it might be interesting to say one of the next times it happens, “Oh, great! Was there a reason you hadn’t tried it — do you have concerns about doing it that way?” It’s a bit of a trap for him because, assuming he hadn’t really thought it through before this moment, he’s not likely to have a great answer. The point isn’t to trap him, though; it’s to help him realize that claiming he had your idea first isn’t a “freebie” since you’re going to then ask a probing follow-up about it, and so there’s a downside to that response that he might not have considered.
You also might try asking for his ideas first before you offer your own … which presumably will make it harder for him to then respond with “already thought of it” once you do offer yours.
But I think you’re right to be annoyed, and also that your level annoyance is calibrated correctly — it’s not the biggest deal in the world but it’s odd, and it’s probably a mark of Something Bigger.